4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
