The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
