ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
