I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
