I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
