Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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