Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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