I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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