just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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