I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
3 2 1 whiskey
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
