What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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