watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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