Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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