new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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