Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
i think my cat just said my name.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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