I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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