Define "chronic" masturbator.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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