My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
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