She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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