Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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