i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
