Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
