The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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