I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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