I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
