The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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