the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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