girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
