Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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