you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
