Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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