I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
