Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize