From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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