Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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