I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
