she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
