The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
