Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
