Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
