could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
