i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize