I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
