I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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