My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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