All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
