I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
