So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
