It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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