Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
