I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
