I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
