remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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