can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
