see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
